Sunday, January 15, 2017

Trying 2016

How the hell do people do it? Love, get their heart broken, love again, get hurt again, then do it all over again. How? Because that's pretty much what happened to me, and I'm already fucking tired of it. In fact, the first time I got my heart broken like that, I didn't know I'd be able to love again. But I did. But. Well, that was followed by yet another heartbreak--one that I didn't even expect to happen that soon. This all happened in one year.

Last year was tough. In fact, that's probably why I didn't even get the chance to post anything here. In May, my first-ever boyfriend and I fell apart. He asked for space and time in May, so we gave it a month. That was hell. In June, we talked and finalized the break-up. That really crushed me. I felt lost. He was supposed to be life partner.

The next months were spent for recovery. It was not easy, of course, but I did my best to gain back everything I had lost. Good thing my whole family went home in August so that kind of kept me sane. It was great, actually.

I went to the gym, spend more time with friends and loved ones, and event went to Bangkok for my birthday in September. I was getting back on my feet, slowly but surely. Even turning 30 felt great (#thirtyflirtyandThaiving).

In October, I met someone. This guy from the past. It started off pretty casual and fun. Then things got a little serious. I was hesitant because we were both fresh from a relationship and if we wanted it to really work, I thought we'd take our time. I didn't want to make the same mistakes I did with the last one that's all. We had our differences. I had my doubts. But this guy made me real happy. The chemistry was intoxicating--something I'ver never had with anyone else. I don't know. It just seemed so easy and light with this one. For weeks, I felt so assured, adored, loved.

Then, come December, actually, that was the evening of Christmas (How merry, right?), this one started falling apart too. It was so difficult because I was away so I couldn't do much. I was in Dubai visiting my sister, who, by the way, has been going through something, which is one of the reasons why I decided to visit her.

As suspected, exactly what I was fearing, this guy was not over his ex yet. To make the long story short, they got back together even before I could go back. I was shattered. This went on while I was dealing with some problems with my flights going back. My return had to be delayed by 3 days. I thought I'd go crazy. Every day, no matter how I tried to set it aside, I'd worry about not having someone to go back to. That was really painful.

By the time I got back, he had already made a soul-crushing decision. They were already back together. I gave him my pasalubong when we talked. He didn't want to accept it but I insisted. I bought those when we were still doing fine, after all.

The following night, he posted a photo of him wearing my pasalubong... beside his boyfriend who was coyly leaning on his chest. I didn't feel anger towards this guy until that moment. That was really harsh and insensitive and just really fucked up. It made me realize how little I ever meant to him.

I don't know where I went wrong. I felt like everything I did, it was for our own good. But why am I still the one suffering while he's out there being happy with this guy who, he claimed, wasn't even treating him well? I feel used--victimized, even. When they broke up, he needed an escape, some sort of good distraction. I was there, willing and able, so he went for me. Then, when they patched things up, he let me go just like that. Who the hell does that? What bugs me the most is this could've been avoided, really. He told me it's just not over with his ex yet. Uh... Maybe you should've figured that out first, made sure, before you made me believe that you loved me? Maybe you could've put more thought into things before asking me to go exclusive with you?

He figured it all out, what he wanted, at my expense--just when I had already fallen.

The thing with this guy is he really made me feel special. But just like that, he bails out on me, which makes me question the sincerity of everything he said and did. Everything happened so fast--too fast, actually. My head is still spinning from the sheer speed of how everything unfolded. It sucks because I genuinely had a great time with him. I still miss him, in fact. Is that fucked up?


So yeah, 2016 is the year I got my heart broken--twice. It all went on while I was also going through some shit at work and an issue with my sister. I'm still reeling from last year's turn of events but I'm hoping to get out of this better soon. Wish me luck.