Tuesday, February 14, 2017

V is for Vulnerable

Dear (Your Name),

I'm not even sure if you'd ever be able to read this but, hey. I need to let it out. 

I may have to cut ties online. It has been really difficult moving on. Merely seeing your name gives me anxiety. When I notice you're not ok, it bothers me and makes me want to be there for you. At the same time, it would also get me down when I realize that you may actually be doing great without me. I don't quite know what to do. I've been really lost. I even did a few stuff I'm not really proud of just to forget and get distracted.

I miss you. I miss waking up next to you. I miss your hysterical laughter. I miss going out with you. Like I said, you're like a ball of sunshine that just makes everything better. At least for me. Your presence served as my reward or prize after a hard day at work. You made me feel loved and assured, which is why it hurt so much when, all of a sudden, you left. I thought, after six years, it's finally our time. Sayang.

Sabi mo hindi pa pala tapos ang storya nyo. Sana you figured this out before making me believe that you loved me. You didn't mean it, sure. It doesn't change the fact though that you made these important realizations, this change of heart, at the expense of someone else. Someone who truly loved you. 

Maybe I didn't show it enough but I loved you. I still do. I got there slowly but surely.

I keep wondering if you're happier now than when you were with me. If ever hindi,  I hope you think hard enough and figure out what's going to make you truly happier and make the right decision.

In any case, I hope you're getting the love you truly deserve.

Take care, Starboy.


Sunday, January 15, 2017

Trying 2016

How the hell do people do it? Love, get their heart broken, love again, get hurt again, then do it all over again. How? Because that's pretty much what happened to me, and I'm already fucking tired of it. In fact, the first time I got my heart broken like that, I didn't know I'd be able to love again. But I did. But. Well, that was followed by yet another heartbreak--one that I didn't even expect to happen that soon. This all happened in one year.

Last year was tough. In fact, that's probably why I didn't even get the chance to post anything here. In May, my first-ever boyfriend and I fell apart. He asked for space and time in May, so we gave it a month. That was hell. In June, we talked and finalized the break-up. That really crushed me. I felt lost. He was supposed to be life partner.

The next months were spent for recovery. It was not easy, of course, but I did my best to gain back everything I had lost. Good thing my whole family went home in August so that kind of kept me sane. It was great, actually.

I went to the gym, spend more time with friends and loved ones, and event went to Bangkok for my birthday in September. I was getting back on my feet, slowly but surely. Even turning 30 felt great (#thirtyflirtyandThaiving).

In October, I met someone. This guy from the past. It started off pretty casual and fun. Then things got a little serious. I was hesitant because we were both fresh from a relationship and if we wanted it to really work, I thought we'd take our time. I didn't want to make the same mistakes I did with the last one that's all. We had our differences. I had my doubts. But this guy made me real happy. The chemistry was intoxicating--something I'ver never had with anyone else. I don't know. It just seemed so easy and light with this one. For weeks, I felt so assured, adored, loved.

Then, come December, actually, that was the evening of Christmas (How merry, right?), this one started falling apart too. It was so difficult because I was away so I couldn't do much. I was in Dubai visiting my sister, who, by the way, has been going through something, which is one of the reasons why I decided to visit her.

As suspected, exactly what I was fearing, this guy was not over his ex yet. To make the long story short, they got back together even before I could go back. I was shattered. This went on while I was dealing with some problems with my flights going back. My return had to be delayed by 3 days. I thought I'd go crazy. Every day, no matter how I tried to set it aside, I'd worry about not having someone to go back to. That was really painful.

By the time I got back, he had already made a soul-crushing decision. They were already back together. I gave him my pasalubong when we talked. He didn't want to accept it but I insisted. I bought those when we were still doing fine, after all.

The following night, he posted a photo of him wearing my pasalubong... beside his boyfriend who was coyly leaning on his chest. I didn't feel anger towards this guy until that moment. That was really harsh and insensitive and just really fucked up. It made me realize how little I ever meant to him.

I don't know where I went wrong. I felt like everything I did, it was for our own good. But why am I still the one suffering while he's out there being happy with this guy who, he claimed, wasn't even treating him well? I feel used--victimized, even. When they broke up, he needed an escape, some sort of good distraction. I was there, willing and able, so he went for me. Then, when they patched things up, he let me go just like that. Who the hell does that? What bugs me the most is this could've been avoided, really. He told me it's just not over with his ex yet. Uh... Maybe you should've figured that out first, made sure, before you made me believe that you loved me? Maybe you could've put more thought into things before asking me to go exclusive with you?

He figured it all out, what he wanted, at my expense--just when I had already fallen.

The thing with this guy is he really made me feel special. But just like that, he bails out on me, which makes me question the sincerity of everything he said and did. Everything happened so fast--too fast, actually. My head is still spinning from the sheer speed of how everything unfolded. It sucks because I genuinely had a great time with him. I still miss him, in fact. Is that fucked up?


So yeah, 2016 is the year I got my heart broken--twice. It all went on while I was also going through some shit at work and an issue with my sister. I'm still reeling from last year's turn of events but I'm hoping to get out of this better soon. Wish me luck.


Saturday, November 21, 2015

Disarray and Differences

Have you ever been with someone who's just so different from yourself that it kind of makes you stop and wonder what you're doing with this person? I have thought about it countless times; how we have differing, sometimes opposing, opinions and preferences. It's tough meeting in the middle, striking that balance. It makes you think that maybe we're not really meant to be together. Maybe it's not meant to work out. But I always go back to that time when we had just met, when everything seemed right, and we were both really happy. I understand it was a stage when we haven't fully revealed ourselves to each other, but it was a time of so much joy and promise nonetheless. I also hold on to every 'I love you', every touch, every kiss. Besides, I'd like to think that incidental differences are no match to strong will. I think this, we both agree on.


Saturday, November 14, 2015

A Year Later

When I told you, "I'll get over it," I didn't think you'd become even more distant. In fact, I was hoping you'll help me out of it. Is that too much? I mean, you're a big reason why there's something to get over with, in the first place.

It has been a year since you sent me your resume so I could proofread it. Today, you couldn't even send me a text. You did, only after I asked where you were.

It's crazy how much change a year can do. Exactly the same period last year, I was the happiest. I was out of a job, but I was so damn cheerful. Because of you. Now, I can't even remember how many times I've broken down to tears within the last 24 hours or so. Because of you. And because of me too.


Tuesday, December 30, 2014


What a year 2014 has been. I got to travel to many places for the first time, lost my job, and, importantly, met someone special. Yup, first boyfriend.

It's pretty amazing. The last time I was in a relationship was in college, about 10 years ago. It's great, so far, but I'm working my way through trust and commitment issues. My insecurities also tend to get in the way of happiness at times. I'm in a pretty good place overall though. I love him. He loves me.

Happy New Year! Here's to finding a job, traveling more, and celebrating love!


Thursday, October 30, 2014

Gains and Losses

Lost my job. Met someone.

Life is fair.


Monday, September 08, 2014


So it turns out they've broken up. I'm relieved, sure, but I have some fears;

1. He'll be in a new relationship soon and not with me.
2. They'll get back together.
3. We'll be together and he'll also cheat on me.

Gawd. So many red flags but I still can't stop myself. So much for turning a year wiser.

"...So I'm looking forward to hanging out with you more."


It seems he didn't sense the interrogative tone.

"Do you like that?"