V is for Vulnerable

Dear (Your Name),

I'm not even sure if you'd ever be able to read this but, hey. I need to let it out. 

I may have to cut ties online. It has been really difficult moving on. Merely seeing your name gives me anxiety. When I notice you're not ok, it bothers me and makes me want to be there for you. At the same time, it would also get me down when I realize that you may actually be doing great without me. I don't quite know what to do. I've been really lost. I even did a few stuff I'm not really proud of just to forget and get distracted.

I miss you. I miss waking up next to you. I miss your hysterical laughter. I miss going out with you. Like I said, you're like a ball of sunshine that just makes everything better. At least for me. Your presence served as my reward or prize after a hard day at work. You made me feel loved and assured, which is why it hurt so much when, all of a sudden, you left. I thought, after six years, it's finally our time. Sayang.

Sabi mo hindi pa pala tapos ang storya nyo. Sana you figured this out before making me believe that you loved me. You didn't mean it, sure. It doesn't change the fact though that you made these important realizations, this change of heart, at the expense of someone else. Someone who truly loved you. 

Maybe I didn't show it enough but I loved you. I still do. I got there slowly but surely.

I keep wondering if you're happier now than when you were with me. If ever hindi,  I hope you think hard enough and figure out what's going to make you truly happier and make the right decision.

In any case, I hope you're getting the love you truly deserve.

Take care, Starboy.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Trying 2016

How the hell do people do it? Love, get their heart broken, love again, get hurt again, then do it all over again. How? Because that's pretty much what happened to me, and I'm already fucking tired of it. In fact, the first time I got my heart broken like that, I didn't know I'd be able to love again. But I did. But. Well, that was followed by yet another heartbreak--one that I didn't even expect to happen that soon. This all happened in one year.

Last year was tough. In fact, that's probably why I didn't even get the chance to post anything here. In May, my first-ever boyfriend and I fell apart. He asked for space and time in May, so we gave it a month. That was hell. In June, we talked and finalized the break-up. That really crushed me. I felt lost. He was supposed to be life partner.

The next months were spent for recovery. It was not easy, of course, but I did my best to gain back everything I had lost. Good thing my whole family went home in August so that kind of kept me sane. It was great, actually.

I went to the gym, spend more time with friends and loved ones, and event went to Bangkok for my birthday in September. I was getting back on my feet, slowly but surely. Even turning 30 felt great (#thirtyflirtyandThaiving).

In October, I met someone. This guy from the past. It started off pretty casual and fun. Then things got a little serious. I was hesitant because we were both fresh from a relationship and if we wanted it to really work, I thought we'd take our time. I didn't want to make the same mistakes I did with the last one that's all. We had our differences. I had my doubts. But this guy made me real happy. The chemistry was intoxicating--something I'ver never had with anyone else. I don't know. It just seemed so easy and light with this one. For weeks, I felt so assured, adored, loved.

Then, come December, actually, that was the evening of Christmas (How merry, right?), this one started falling apart too. It was so difficult because I was away so I couldn't do much. I was in Dubai visiting my sister, who, by the way, has been going through something, which is one of the reasons why I decided to visit her.

As suspected, exactly what I was fearing, this guy was not over his ex yet. To make the long story short, they got back together even before I could go back. I was shattered. This went on while I was dealing with some problems with my flights going back. My return had to be delayed by 3 days. I thought I'd go crazy. Every day, no matter how I tried to set it aside, I'd worry about not having someone to go back to. That was really painful.

By the time I got back, he had already made a soul-crushing decision. They were already back together. I gave him my pasalubong when we talked. He didn't want to accept it but I insisted. I bought those when we were still doing fine, after all.

The following night, he posted a photo of him wearing my pasalubong... beside his boyfriend who was coyly leaning on his chest. I didn't feel anger towards this guy until that moment. That was really harsh and insensitive and just really fucked up. It made me realize how little I ever meant to him.

I don't know where I went wrong. I felt like everything I did, it was for our own good. But why am I still the one suffering while he's out there being happy with this guy who, he claimed, wasn't even treating him well? I feel used--victimized, even. When they broke up, he needed an escape, some sort of good distraction. I was there, willing and able, so he went for me. Then, when they patched things up, he let me go just like that. Who the hell does that? What bugs me the most is this could've been avoided, really. He told me it's just not over with his ex yet. Uh... Maybe you should've figured that out first, made sure, before you made me believe that you loved me? Maybe you could've put more thought into things before asking me to go exclusive with you?

He figured it all out, what he wanted, at my expense--just when I had already fallen.

The thing with this guy is he really made me feel special. But just like that, he bails out on me, which makes me question the sincerity of everything he said and did. Everything happened so fast--too fast, actually. My head is still spinning from the sheer speed of how everything unfolded. It sucks because I genuinely had a great time with him. I still miss him, in fact. Is that fucked up?

*sigh*

So yeah, 2016 is the year I got my heart broken--twice. It all went on while I was also going through some shit at work and an issue with my sister. I'm still reeling from last year's turn of events but I'm hoping to get out of this better soon. Wish me luck.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Disarray and Differences

Have you ever been with someone who's just so different from yourself that it kind of makes you stop and wonder what you're doing with this person? I have thought about it countless times; how we have differing, sometimes opposing, opinions and preferences. It's tough meeting in the middle, striking that balance. It makes you think that maybe we're not really meant to be together. Maybe it's not meant to work out. But I always go back to that time when we had just met, when everything seemed right, and we were both really happy. I understand it was a stage when we haven't fully revealed ourselves to each other, but it was a time of so much joy and promise nonetheless. I also hold on to every 'I love you', every touch, every kiss. Besides, I'd like to think that incidental differences are no match to strong will. I think this, we both agree on.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

A Year Later

When I told you, "I'll get over it," I didn't think you'd become even more distant. In fact, I was hoping you'll help me out of it. Is that too much? I mean, you're a big reason why there's something to get over with, in the first place.

It has been a year since you sent me your resume so I could proofread it. Today, you couldn't even send me a text. You did, only after I asked where you were.

It's crazy how much change a year can do. Exactly the same period last year, I was the happiest. I was out of a job, but I was so damn cheerful. Because of you. Now, I can't even remember how many times I've broken down to tears within the last 24 hours or so. Because of you. And because of me too.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Year-ender

What a year 2014 has been. I got to travel to many places for the first time, lost my job, and, importantly, met someone special. Yup, first boyfriend.

It's pretty amazing. The last time I was in a relationship was in college, about 10 years ago. It's great, so far, but I'm working my way through trust and commitment issues. My insecurities also tend to get in the way of happiness at times. I'm in a pretty good place overall though. I love him. He loves me.

Happy New Year! Here's to finding a job, traveling more, and celebrating love!

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Gains and Losses

Lost my job. Met someone.

Life is fair.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Yeah

So it turns out they've broken up. I'm relieved, sure, but I have some fears;

1. He'll be in a new relationship soon and not with me.
2. They'll get back together.
3. We'll be together and he'll also cheat on me.

Gawd. So many red flags but I still can't stop myself. So much for turning a year wiser.

"...So I'm looking forward to hanging out with you more."

"Yeah?"

It seems he didn't sense the interrogative tone.

"Do you like that?"

"Yeah."

literarybulimia@gmail.com

28

It's official. I can no longer join the 27 Club.

Seriously though, I'm really thankful. The past year has been pretty awesome; I got to travel a lot, I graduated from grad school, and I met new, interesting friends.

Also, this happened.

It was a good decision to go to Cebu this year instead of Boracay.

As usual, I miss celebrating my birthday with my family. But I can't complain.

Special thanks to my friend Luke for showing me around Cebu!

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Guys You Meet on Grindr (Part 2)

The One You've Already Met Before

I met this one through his friend whom I was constantly talking to at the time. It didn't work out with his friend and I, but I bumped into this guy at the mall a week or so after this exchange of messages. One more time and I'll be convinced it's really the two of us who are meant to be together.

The One Who's Not Interested

Notice the time stamps.

Ah, rejection. Ouch.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Guys You Meet on Grindr (Part 1)

The One From Way, Way Back

It's funny because this one pretty much just disappeared by the time I was already falling. Good thing he did.

The Grammar Expert Wanna-be

Imagine waking up to this bullshit. He was just so compelled to tell me. Hah!

literarybulimia@gmail.com

The End of An Affair

So I finally said it.

It had to happen.

On somehow related news, here are some brilliant music videos by Sam Smith, who is singing his way to my heart right now.

Is he the gay Adele? I say yes.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Reminders About Risks

It has been two weeks since I went through yet another horrific ordeal brought about by some risky behavior. Let me just say though that I have been significantly careful since my last test, but I do understand that it still didn't completely eliminate the risks--not that I intend to live a saintly life anytime soon.

I'm grateful and happy about the result but I think it's a continuous battle. I've had the tendency to get really paranoid especially since a friend recently admitted to being positive (it was actually what really pushed me to finally check my status again), but I think you can't be too cautious, can you? Or do you risk missing out? There's a part of me that is convinced I should just totally avoid getting myself in risky situations but another part of me believes that I should live to the fullest and that involves taking risks.

In any case, it's good to always remember that no one is worth the trauma of not just the ailment itself but also the major mind-fuck that comes with getting tested knowing that you didn't protect yourself enough. Going there, Facetime-ing with family who were oblivious about the shit I was going through, while waiting for the result, was not fun at all--one of the most horribly surreal moments in my life.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Bitching About the Beach

I'm in serious need of a beach trip. This heat is just never good unless it comes with sand and sea!

I've been working remotely for four weeks now because we're in the process of moving to a different office so I've had some time to go on vacation. I did manage to squeeze in a Boracay trip two weeks ago when I went home but my tan is almost gone and I don't want to spend the rest of my time in the city. I have had enough of staying home, watching 'Hair Battle Spectacular' right before indulging in 'Sex and the City' reruns every afternoon while sweating like a pig. I turn on the AC but only once in a while because I'm trying to avoid electric (bill) shock. On Monday, we're back to regular programming at work, which means I only have a few free days left for frolicking in the glory of summer global warming.

So yeah, take me to the beach, will you?

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Revisitations

I'm pretty much done with work so I've been revisiting the past by reading my old entries and boy has it been entertaining. I'm so glad I had most aspects my life chronicled until, of course, last year when I started to neglect this little online diary. So, in an effort to keep this journal alive, here I am, blogging from work.

Out of the subjects I've discussed here, I think it's the flames that I've had that really provided the most interesting material. I also realized blogging about such encounters allowed me to keep tabs of the type and number of guys I've met, which, I have a feeling, will be beneficial in the long run. So allow me to recall some of my attempts to find (or not) "the one" within the past months.

Let's see. There's that young interior designer from late last year with whom I reunited lately. There's John, someone I had hoped to see again - I just didn't expect it last week when I did, at The Fort. It didn't end well. No. Then there's that balikbayan guy from Australia that I met in Boracay. There's K who kicked off this year's dating life for with me. He was nice but not interested enough for another rendezvous, it seems. There's that one who came to my place but didn't even get past the staircase only because I didn't think it was worth it. Then the Valentine's Day guy. Ugh. I kind of regret that. Another bad idea came in the form of the Japanese-inspired one who lives near Rockwell. That wasn't worth it. Then of course, there's that recent reunion with that guy from last year. He's a controversial case. He breaks my heart and melts it at the same time.

That's it for now.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Freaked Out, Fucked Up

I'm close to a meltdown. Work has been super stressful lately. Between writing and styling, there seems to be nothing going right. Ok, maybe that sounds ungrateful. I need a breather. No, I need to work on that revision and get those pull-outs. Oh, fuck it.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Quick Hello

Hello, I'm alive. So busy with work lately. I'm on the brink.

By the way, follow me on Instagram, yeah? totallyscottie

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Blogger Be Gone

I don't know about you but Twitter killed the blogger in me. And then there's Instagram. Also, I've been writing for a living so I've pretty much exhausted my vocabulary by the end of the day. I miss blogging but it doesn't seem to be as appealing to me as it used to be. Hopefully, I'd have that eagerness towards yapping about random stuff here once again.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Best of Boracay

Here's a few snapshots from one of my favorite work assignments as of late.

It was a pretty indulgent trip. It would have been more enjoyable though if I didn't have that really bad diarrhea for the most part of my stay. It was horrible. It was so bad I barely slept one night. Shit was practically walking out of my asshole. But hey, I can't complain. At least it kept me from gaining weight.

Fun times.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

Hickey Horror

Well, I had an interesting weekend.

I hope you had a good one.

literarybulimia@gmail.com

New Guys, Old Ways

I'm afraid I may be slipping back to my old ways. See, I've been very, very, very careful the past year or so to the point of paranoia. But now that I've finished school and have some spare time after work, I find myself getting bored a lot. But more than boredom, I think it's about time I get over the paranoia and carefully get back in the circuit.

I've going back to the gym for past three weeks now, which is great, but it's also partly because I'd like to be more marketable, so to speak. I was looking really unhealthy about two months ago.

Anyway, I'm back in the game. I think. I want to go on dates and hang out but I haven't really met anyone that I want to be seeing regularly. Well, until last week.

The moment I first saw his profile (online, but of course), I knew there was something. I don't know. I just felt good about him. It wasn't until about a week later that we finally met. It was last Friday night. He looks exactly the same in person as he does in pictures--if not better. He's gentle, smart and nice so when he asked me for the second time that night to sleep over, I just couldn't say no. It was, I think, the happiest I've been, in an intimate way, in a seriously long time. It's that kind of intimacy that makes you dream, that gives you foresight. He snored like crazy, rendering me sleepless. Still, I woke that morning, on his shoulder, with a smile on my face, which lasted throughout that day.

Two nights later, I was back in his place. He was sick but it didn't matter. I just really wanted to see him, which pretty much meant I was fucked and not exactly in the way that I prefer. I was falling too fast, too soon. This time, he fell asleep on my shoulder. With his head next to mine, I endured another night of his heavy snoring. I was a zombie at work the following day.

It has been four days since we last saw each other and I'm almost 100% certain now that everything wasn't I was hoping it to be. I mean, if he was looking for something more worthwhile with me, I'd be there, in his arms and not here, pounding on my keyboard.

Ah, it's good/awful to be back.

literarybulimia@gmail.com