literary bulimia: Dante's Inferno

Here's one of my funniest chat sessions with a good friend over YM. Let's call the bitch Rix. I almost peed my pants a couple of times.

RIX: hey, if u got time... check out Google, then take the Dante Inferno test. the result will let u know which part of hell you will go to when u die.
ME: ok.

RIX: it's fun.. know what.. there was this question: do u plan/ have you ever had sex before marriage? and this: have you ever performed oral sex?
RIX: my mom shood me away when she answered! hahaha
ME: hahahahah
RIX: hhhhmmm.... now i know where i inherited my "naughty librarian" aura...
RIX: hahaha

(a couple of minutes later...)

ME: im gonna be on the seventh level
RIX: hahaha! really?
ME: oh well. i loVe it on the top
ME: love love
ME: hahahahah
RIX: ya know, i was "very high" with lust and gluttony...
RIX: ohmigod.. that website knows me! hahaha
ME: im just "high" on those things
ME: it's my violence that's overwhelming
RIX: oh.. well, that makes me a pervert.
ME: hahahahah
ME: i agree
RIX: really??! violence where? in bed?
ME: well at least you're honest
ME: you're an honest pervert
RIX: that, hunny.. is flattering.
ME: violence and wrath actually. and im also gloomy
RIX: oooohhh..
ME: gawd. i hope there's Topman in hell
RIX: me, i got "low", and "very low" with depression and anxiety questions.. i'm not unhappy! im bad in a different area..
RIX: u hope there's topman in hell? why? u wanna be bottom when u reach satan's den? maybe bcoz u were a topman while still living?
ME: well, i'm a bit of a masochist sometimes.
ME: gaga! I mean Topman the shop.
ME: i wanna at least shop while burning
RIX: aysorry.. sorry... see!!!! my being a lusty of a person is getting obvious!
RIX: oh ok.. shop.. did you see the descriptions of each level? read! read! i don't think you can shop in those conditions.

RIX: i forgot my level.. i forgot my level. it's hard to pronounce. i think it starts with M.
ME: well, apparently, my body will be hung in some sort of tree
RIX: hahahaha!
ME: and i will be blasted with scorching sand in the nude!
RIX: im imagining you.. im imagining...
ME: ill also be swimming in boiling blood
RIX: hahaha! this is interestingly hilarious.. im picturing u out in the nude
RIX: ooohhh... stop me.. im picturing u out in the nude..
ME: that's unstoppable
ME: you can't help it
ME: i know
RIX: pls go back to ur body being punished...
ME: centaurs will shoot me with an arrow if i try to escape
ME: and one of them will fall in love with me
RIX: hahaha! this is so Moses Time...
ME: and one of them will fall in love with me
ME: but i turned him down because
RIX: fall in love? are u sure ur reading the txt?
ME: but i turned him down because
ME: he doesn't have a cock
RIX: because..?
ME: he doesn't have a cock
RIX: doesn't have a cock ?! why ? that is capital punshment
ME: oh yeah. centaurs have cocks. no, i turned him down coz
ME: all we'll be doing is doggie
RIX: if he's an angel, then he/she doesn't have a sex organ.. so better pray to be in hell.
RIX: hahaha! doggie... you being the what?
ME: really?
RIX: the dog? arf! arf!
ME: then how the hell do they get in heaven?
RIX: i dont know because maybe they never had sex??!
ME: heaven isn't so heavenly after all
ME: hahahah
RIX: i just read it somewhere that angels cannot be classified to being male or female.. they are divine beings created by God. they are not humans.
ME: oh i see. well, they better offer something else as great as an orgasm or else i'm reserving my own space in hell pronto!
RIX: hahaha!
RIX: well, you have the garden of Eden... filled with fruits and vegetables, and flowers, and animals...
ME: eden can have her garden
ME: thank you very much
ME: i still prefer blowjobs
ME: hahahahahah
RIX: and happiness, and love, and contentmant, and kindness..
ME: right.
RIX: hahaha!
ME: jeez.... and to think
ME: it's my first time in 3 months to go to church today
RIX: and nude people... since you are not "ashamed", you are nude in Eden..
RIX: its like a Nudist beach filled with happy and kind people who dont judge you based on ur bilbil or flabby arms, and huge thighs...
ME: they don't judge because they're not having sex with you
ME: that's why
obsequio_rica: ok.. lets finish this question: If i am in the garden of eden, I would do this:
ME: answer these first: are there cute guys at the garden of eden? is the gardener jesse metcalfe of desperate housewives?
ME: answer these first: are there cute guys at the garden of eden? is the gardener jesse metcalfe of desperate housewives?
RIX: there's no gardener! you're all put there together to enjoy the grass that doesnt need to be mowed, the animals that dont need taming, and the flowers that dont need nurturing.. because everything is perfect.

ME: fine
RIX: hhhmmm... i dont know if you'll see that jesse dude. he may be stuck in purgatory
ME: i think i'm gonna arrange for a pictorial in the nude since everything is P-E-R-F-E-C-T
RIX: hahaha! and where the hell would u get a camera? cameras are so... so.. Earthy
ME: FINE.
RIX: yeah. everything is perfect.. including the luke jickain body that you would magically have..
ME: i'll just pose my ass off and bask in the glory of my perfect, flawless presence instead.
RIX: guess what i'll do when im in heaven..
RIX: hahaha!
ME: what?
ME: uh-oh. what?
ME: i'll request for a lot of mirrors too by the way
RIX: i will ride a lion, a camel (cancel that, camels may ruin my perfect-ness image!) a white unicorn (wtf), or a giraffe while trying to get an apple from a tree...
ME: hahahahahah
ME: what the hell?!!!
ME: you'll scratch your vagina
RIX: remember.. im in the nude! hahaha ooohh...now there goes orgasm while the animal is walking or running! hahaha!
ME: eew.
ME: ticks.
ME: you'll scratch your vagina
RIX: im making my own little hell..! hahaha!
ME: you'll scratch your vagina
ME: you'll scratch your vagina
ME: you'll scratch your vagina
ME: you'll scratch your vagina
ME: you'll scratch your vagina
ME: you like that don't you?!!!!!
ME: ohmigod beastiality
RIX: hahahah!
RIX: im laughing right no - literally
ME: me too. hahahahah