Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Sleeplessness

Yesterday, I got to thinking about the last time I cried. As far as I can remember, I think that was this December or November because of family troubles. My parents had this huge disagreement and I couldn't do anything about it but cry over the phone while talking to each of them since we were miles apart.

I figured it's been a while since I've actually snapped like that. Regretfully, I felt the need to cry like crazy yesterday because of issues I've been having with work, my life and myself. The fact that my mind was racing when I was supposed to be sleeping certainly made everything worse.

I am not happy with work. I don't think my life is going towards the direction I am aiming for. I feel like I'm not achieving enough. I also happen to think that all these result to me being vulnerable and impatient romance-wise. I'm not sure but in a way, I'm thinking being in a romantic relationship would make everything better, which can be considered a classic case of escapism.

I have no idea where to go from here. I feel like I should change but I'm not sure about it either. It's truly very confusing and undoubtedly very difficult to deal with. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being sick of it. I don't even know how to express my situation in words. It's far too complicated.

How do I pick up the pieces and move on? Until when can I keep a straight, if not smiling, face and conceal everything? I have expressed these feelings with friends but I'd always end the paragraph with a joke so they won't have to carry my own baggage of negative emotions.

*Sigh*

I really am very tired. I need to get away so badly. I need to be in touch with myself again and the person I really want to become. Some soul-searching perhaps?

Anyway, I didn't shed a single tear. But I did end up tossing and turning in bed for a good 2 hours until I finally drifted away.

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