Monday, June 18, 2012

Virtual Look Backs

You know when you're all of a sudden tempted to revisit the past? With the slightest hint or provocation, you, after all this time, let your guards down thinking it's worthwhile.

It's been years--three to be exact. He was down. I was alright. Then the tables turned. Unfortunately, we never got to meet in person. I know. Part of it was my fault. There was a chance but I was too unavailable. Then he was the one unavailable and he eventually left town. I doubt we would have hit it off but still.

Anyway, one thing led to another and I ended up on his blog the other day. He seems to be doing good. I was seriously tempted to leave a comment, like a cute remark about his rant which, I was thinking, may lead to him opening my blog too and maybe pick up where we left off but I successfully resisted that delusional, impulsive act (so far).

The other time when my dignity was tested was when this guy I hooked up with last year sent me a message online out of nowhere, after all this time of being a snob. It was a battle between pride and optimism/delusion. He was nice and cool, not to mention cute, so I responded. When he asked when we could hook up again, what I really wanted to say was "Do we really have to fuck?" or "Is that all you want?" but I played along and asked a different, more playful question instead. He didn't respond after that. Fuck. Clearly, my second haphazard brush with the past was less dignified than the first one.

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