Hardest Hit

It's heartbreaking that for the first time when you're willingly, even gladly, giving up the freedom that you've been so used to enjoying just to be with this person for the rest of your life, you realize it's still simply not enough.

It's funny how he questioned my faith and commitment when now... this.

He's right. I've been an emotional wreck lately only holding on to a promise that a part of me wishes he never made. I've been a mess and will probably be so in the next couple of days. But I appreciate his honesty no matter how much it hurts. I just wish we talked about it personally.

I know he'll probably read this just like the way he reads the rest of my entries that practically declare I'll slash my wrist for him. The thought of him constantly getting a peek into my mind and heart has sometimes discouraged me to talk about it here. It's unfair that he gets these updates whereas I would barely get a text from him for days and at times I'm left in the dark. "Faith," I said to myself. But this is my blog. My turf. He, or anyone for that matter, is free to make assumptions. I, on the other hand, am just being honest and I do not intend to censor myself to make a desirable impression on people.

This means I get to keep Christmas. Uhm, happy holidays?

Love really does fuck you up, doesn't it? But I can't say I'm surprised. Logic has been nagging me for some time now but I dismissed it and chose to be hopeful, faithful. And you know what? I don't regret it.

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